We shouldn’t do things we don’t want to do
But pride is a hell of a thing
And I want to believe that I am stronger than this.
Two more weeks and this fresh hell will be over
I wish I were better at this
I keep putting pressure on myself to be better, to try …
But every time I step up to the plate, I fall apart. I panic. I run.
Walking away has never felt that good before.
Going back is the hardest part.
I wish it was over.
I really do.
And not even for the reason I would have expected it to be for.
Last week was amazing.
But now I’m back to survival mode and I hate it. I absolutely hate it.
One of the worst things is trying to survive every day; waking up every morning just waiting for the end of the day to come and you have to force yourself to go out and do what you have to do because giving up is not an option and now is the worst time to stop trying. You stop now, you fail.
And failure .. There is no room for it.